I might lose you here. But who are you anyways? I want ME to be OK. Like actually. Not like that fake it to you make it poster in therapy. You know next to the one of a cat dangling on a branch saying, “hang in there”, ironically. I want to be happy like physically, mentally and, emotionally congruently. Not stuck In the same reoccurring woe is me poopy loop, of why them and not me boohoos. Feels like healing is always two steps forward, just to get kicked back three steps, mentally. I’m tired of my stinking thinking, 50 outta 50. I just wish when I slept that it was actual rest, instead of some torture dungeon Inside my head. Viciously beating my spirit through my chest. All these thoughts I bred, while trying to release the, “ I don’t need ”, with the claw machine I built inside me, using my tools from therapy. Who am I and why am I not 100% OK. Because I want to be OK. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to see what you see. I never in my life understood the line , I am happy to be me. Because I didn’t and still don’t have anything but ego and a personality. that was tailored and fitted to me. All because that’s what they told me. and what was I to compare it to, if that was the only me I ever knew. It’s strange, that I am everything I think I am because, I listened to the description of the character I fit into for them. I just want to be OK. not for your role, but for my sanity’s sake. But who am I, If I am not me? And what does OK actually mean if OK is based off of someone else’s self-evaluation. but they too don’t know themselves. Ohh, that’s confusing. How would I ever know if I am happy as myself within myself if I have never met anyone who has ever been themselves? I just want to be me. I just want to be happy, and the most genuine version, this body mind and soul can be.
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