Sierra Mazzucca's Poetry site

There have been many days where I have prayed for my closed eyelids, to stay that way.
Waking up dreading knowing I have so many things to do, all in one day.
It all became too daunting for me to even think or say.
So I decided why not use the tools I’ve learned and have inconsistently been practicing.

I put my phone on silent and started to simply breathe.

Turns out most of my anxiety is caused by a useless and imaginary need.
I am so used to being in a panic driven state.
That I’m programmed to automatically cause chaos, right at the start of every day.
Chaos with coffee, before sun break. It became routine For years.

To wake up hating everyone, and everything. Especially me. It was so easy for me to throw a pity party.
And I was sad I was always the only invitee.
Though not enough that I’d drag anyone else down with me.
People Pleaser.
This misery hates company.

I’ve been choosing better habits.
Which actually was the trigger, causing a physical reaction. My entire system believed it was under attack. and it tried to do anythig to fight back.
Since I changed the program with the help of a guiding MD.
I started to feel and it hurt me.

I kept blaming myself for trying relentlessly and feeling like I am failing.
This was huge. I had been hiding for 30 plus years, away from me and those things.
Finally I stopped running and hiding from my feelings.
Still no matter how long I closed my eyes.

or played pretend like I wasn’t dying inside, that old program just wouldn’t rewire the thinking of a broken mind. But not irreparable.
That thought alone shows hope.
Finally, I’m starting to heal, it’s going to take time.
So I just have to prepare myself for mornings where I feel like, I would rather hide inside.

Believing turmoil awaits at every blink of an eye.
That’s ok, as long as I continue to swap out the old behaviors actively.
And replace them with new truths, instead of lies that want to hurt me. Practice being grateful the minute I open my eyes and realize he has woken me up for another sunrise.
This is proof I’m not broken, just a little disconnected from the faith he won’t allow me to deny.

Just keep going.
Even if you feel like it’s all a waste of time.
And remember every time you awake, to thank your Higher power for your peace and another coffee break.