Sierra Mazzucca's Poetry site

When I was kid, we were always at the beach.
Lifeguard station 26, Santa Monica is where we’d be.
End of Oceanpark, where the sand met the wooden path burning.
Splinters were sure to be had if sandals were not worn. But the pain wasn’t bad.
Because we were free, and the ocean provided that.
Sand Castles, tanning, swimming, and Frisbee.
Sandy Salami sandwiches and chips.
We were so happy to be in a place where, it was ok to be a kid.
Mom digging holes for us to play in.
Never realizing, those moments would be the ones my memory would be left replaying.
Then my mind tries to take those pure moments away.
Forcing me to focus on why your life ended that way.
Because my grief has a way of sneaking in when I have started to settle in.
4 years without you on earth, but 7 years since I last hugged you or we exchanged words.
That really hurts.
I try to push through because I know I have to, but I miss you.
Like really fucking miss you.
What is most painful is I never will get to tell you I was so proud of you.
I am so proud of you.
I will be OK, but today 1059 days ago you were alive.
I always wonder if I reached out , if you’d still be here.
If I could have saved your life.
But I can’t play God.
I won’t even begin to try.
So I have to make a living amends to you for the rest of my life.
I want to believe you have been with me since you went to another side.
But grief is like an enemy in disguise.
It’s like oh remember this time, yeah its your fault she died.
But no, I am just going through the stages of grief all the time.
Because loving you wasn’t just part time.
I’m in denial again because how could someone so full of life be deleted in the blink of an eye?
Or that you really won’t ever call my line.
Text my phone. Leave me voicemails being silly.
Or how I wish you would just call me and we could go bowling.
I miss you and I wish you could just come home.
3 years and 364 days ago, you left us alone.
I wish you would have just walked it off.
Phoned a friend.
But you took off.
Sped so fast, your chariot went up in flames.
And you left me alone with only memories we had.
Guilt, regret, sadness, anger and shame.
I love you, but I am so hurt I have to forever re-live your last day.
I wish things were different, but they are this way.
I miss and love you Trina, was all I really wanted to say.