Sierra Mazzucca's Poetry site

A collection of poems

Chariot of flames

When I was kid, we were always at the beach.
Lifeguard station 26, Santa Monica is where we’d be.
End of Oceanpark, where the sand met the wooden path burning.
Splinters were sure to be had if sandals were not worn. But the pain wasn’t bad.
Because we were free, and the ocean provided that.
Sand Castles, tanning, swimming, and Frisbee.
Sandy Salami sandwiches and chips.
We were so happy to be in a place where, it was ok to be a kid.
Mom digging holes for us to play in.
Never realizing, those moments would be the ones my memory would be left replaying.
Then my mind tries to take those pure moments away.
Forcing me to focus on why your life ended that way.
Because my grief has a way of sneaking in when I have started to settle in.
4 years without you on earth, but 7 years since I last hugged you or we exchanged words.
That really hurts.
I try to push through because I know I have to, but I miss you.
Like really fucking miss you.
What is most painful is I never will get to tell you I was so proud of you.
I am so proud of you.
I will be OK, but today 1059 days ago you were alive.
I always wonder if I reached out , if you’d still be here.
If I could have saved your life.
But I can’t play God.
I won’t even begin to try.
So I have to make a living amends to you for the rest of my life.
I want to believe you have been with me since you went to another side.
But grief is like an enemy in disguise.
It’s like oh remember this time, yeah its your fault she died.
But no, I am just going through the stages of grief all the time.
Because loving you wasn’t just part time.
I’m in denial again because how could someone so full of life be deleted in the blink of an eye?
Or that you really won’t ever call my line.
Text my phone. Leave me voicemails being silly.
Or how I wish you would just call me and we could go bowling.
I miss you and I wish you could just come home.
3 years and 364 days ago, you left us alone.
I wish you would have just walked it off.
Phoned a friend.
But you took off.
Sped so fast, your chariot went up in flames.
And you left me alone with only memories we had.
Guilt, regret, sadness, anger and shame.
I love you, but I am so hurt I have to forever re-live your last day.
I wish things were different, but they are this way.
I miss and love you Trina, was all I really wanted to say.

Sierra

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4 responses to “Chariot of flames”

  1. Christopher Hall Avatar
    Christopher Hall

    She’s so proud of you, and she forever loves you, and she is extra close to you right now in your grief. I promise. And you already know this.

    You have continued to honor her with such courage, vulnerability, and grace. My life was very impacted and transformed by your book which detailed your early stages of grieving her that I will forever remember. So having that context beforehand made it feel like I was back inside of another continuation of a chapter within that book for a moment.

    I love that you endlessly are keeping the memory of her alive through your art. I’m not a mindreader, so I don’t know how you are truly feeling through all of this. So all I can say is this and I hope it gives you some extra strength if you so need it. Please know, that you’re doing so great, and that you are really impacting this world in more ways than you might think. Sometimes it can be hard for us to see that in times like this. But don’t you dare forget that! Especially, right now! I hope that you are taking extra care of yourself on days like today. That’s what she wants. She wants you to continue being happy, and being the most beautiful version of you that’s already there inside of you. Because this world only has one of you. And it needs you. You’re most certainly leaving your mark on this world right now, in more ways than you might think. And in that process, you’re carrying the trail of her memory and her spirit with it. That alone is honoring her more than anything. You are a gift Sierra. So keep on giving it. 🎁

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Sierra Mazzucca Avatar
      Sierra Mazzucca

      Wow, thank you for your comment. It means the world to know I can make a difference in someone elses life for the better. I wish I knew for certain where she was and if she sees me. So I will choose to believe she’s close. Thank you for sharing your light and kindness with me and the rest of the world. You are a light and I am so grateful to watch you shine. 🙏

      As always I am so grateful for your support. Thank you 😊

      Hope your day has been treating you kindly 🩶

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. The Creative Chic Avatar
    The Creative Chic

    Wonderful writing, Sierra. I know exactly how this feels. Just know you’re not alone in this.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Sierra Mazzucca Avatar
      Sierra Mazzucca

      Thank you so much!! Thank you for being here and for the reassurance I am not alone. I appreciate you for saying so. I hope your day is full of joy and kindness ✨️

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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