Today I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I wanted to stay in the sadness.
wrap myself up in guilt.
Roll around with depression, while my anxiety winds up for the kill.
It’s hard to find peace when your heart skips a beat.
I close my eyes and the pain is my lullaby.
I want to get up, but some days it’s hard to find the fight.
I’m not saying I want to give up and die.
All I’m saying is I just need to feel less sometimes.
Otherwise I feel like a hostage in my own body and mind.
For a long time I tried to be stoic, so my pain was hard to find.
I preferred beating myself up in private, instead of giving anyone else the opportunity to try.
I didn’t talk about the wars I was battling inside.
I would just refrain from communicating with anyone on the outside.
I made a really toxic home within my own mind.
I fought off healthy emotions because I wasn’t prepared for the rotten parts of me they would find.
I started talking to someone about the troubles I had inside.
Instead of letting unfitting thoughts tailor my life.
That was when this journey of healing started for me.
Still nothing is perfect so hard times I will still find.
The only difference is how I process, and respect my healing in real time.
Today I didn’t want to get out of bed, and that’s fine.
Just don’t make a routine out of wants when your needs are not being satisfied.
Beating myself up is no longer a pass time of mine.
I am human though so flawed things about me are not hard to find.
I just use more kind words towards myself, well at least I try.
That’s a lot more than I used to do.
Making progress, in little strides.
Sierra Mazzucca's Poetry site 
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