Iām trying.
I thought that was good enough.
I stopped complaining, and just accepted my life as only rough.
My heart mustāve been weak, because youāve had to strengthen me constantly.
Daily.
Find obstacles to push me through knowing I will do anything, to not to fail you.
Show up for myself, even when I donāt feel I deserve to.
Combat negative thoughts whose only mission is to convince me I am alone and donāt even have you.
Or that the romance space in my heart is just a museum, a self reflection room.
Because evidently the only love I need is the one you planted in me.
I am getting quicker at spotting my faithless moments, tactfully.
When my brain goes to the dark side.
Working to convince me to decide this relationship of care that we share, is only in my mind.
Just a comforting space I had to label and set aside.
All while I continued to reference an Invisible man in the sky.
I get made fun of by my inner critic and dark side.
Poking at me. Tempting my mind.
Causing me to lose faith.
Since I hear their false words and take heed like they say.
Iām an imperfect skin sack, so of course sometimes I listen and believe all the viruses they push into me.
I stopped trying to fight back.
Like I deserved the pain they brought me.
The isolation they caused me.
Some kind of cosmic karma indeed.
Causing me to work overtime on regrowth and replanting.
So I became my soul gardener, to remove the dead weeds and seeds my ego keeps re-planting.
I have learned that I need to make a conscious decision to tend to my garden daily.
Positive affirmations, and self-love repeatedly.
No matter what.
As life is like the weather, it changes with no heads up.
No explanation.
It’s all part of the experience of living, feeling and all the high hurdles these spirits can overcome.
And regardless of the preparations you made, things are going to be tough and sometimes you will want to give up.
Even if the seeds of joy and love are planted in soil, watered daily within us.
Because life was never meant to be easy and sweet.
It was meant to be experienced by the few selected to live purposely.
Love is within me, I can water that endlessly.
I can nurture me.
I just grew up seeing and believing having needs makes you a burden on everybody.
Which in turn pushed me to uproot new healthy roots, that felt foreign to my body.
I’m trying and that counts for everything.
I know life is going to forever be an emotional wave of down and up for me.
So I will ride each one with hope and trust.
That one day on this sail of life, love from another, is a stop my heart will find.
I just need to stick it out long enough to make it through the storms, that are shaping another’s heart to fit mine.
Sierra Mazzucca's Poetry site 
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